On Infatuation

They always tell me that one day, someone will walk into my life and i’ll finally understood why nothing ever worked out with anyone else. But how does that work? I look and wait, I fall in love and I wonder when that sign comes.

The movies tell me to look for when life as I know it ends*, or when I catch someone’s eye across the room and I melt into a puddle on the ground. But is that really how the chips fall?

I’ve watched and listened. I’ve seen shows on love. But it never happens. Ted** is always looking for the one, the one he wants to marry, but his hopes are always dashed, and I don’t understand why.

I’m in love now. You could definitely call it that. But where does it change? From infatuation to love? They tell me that in a moment, everything I know could disappear, I’ll be forever changed. But it doesn’t work like that. It can’t work like that.

As our lives intertwine, I find myself wondering if he’s the one. That’s stupid, everyone around me will tell me that the love you have now won’t last. But am I to be damned for hoping that it might? To dare to think that it could? Do I deserve the crazy label that anyone would tell me when I spit these thoughts out loud?

It seems easy, to be infatuated. The pint of Ben & Jerry’s in my freezer is the closest thing I’ve ever experienced to perfect. Since I think about it all day, does that make me insane? The thought that happiness can come from all sorts of places? When you word it like that, it’s not a crazy thought at all. But when you take a step back, does anything ever make sense?

They always tell me that it will work out for the better. That sometimes, if there’s something you really want, to ask for it. And if you don’t get it, that maybe it wasn’t worth having in the first place.*** I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever understand the advice that they’re giving me.

I’m told to give it my all. To be a hopeless romantic. But in this world, in this day and age, if you give it this all you’re simply cast off. Her hopes will be dashed, and failure is imminent. Do you think I’m crazy? To believe in that love?

I’ve seen a life changing love. I know that it’s out there. Is my love that love? I don’t think you know. I think it must be something you stumble upon. Twenty years later, finally realizing that you were the lucky one. That you married your soulmate.

*PS I Love You

**How I Met Your Mother

*** Gilmore Girls