Original:

We walk to the church in a group of about twenty. As we enter through the front doors, I look up in awe. I’ve never been in a church like this before, shaped in a circle with little classrooms all around the edges. We take our seats in the firs few rows, when someone calls us to attention. I look up, and see the four members of what I assume to be the executive board, sitting on the alter and looking out expectantly. The only guy up there is scanning the room, and our eyes lock for a split second, and I can’t break away. I have never, ever seen eyes this breathtaking. As I give a shy smile and turn away, I hope that there’s a birthday surprise coming my way.

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I’m walking on the main pathway through the maze of buildings, alone after the day of training. We got back with twenty minutes left in ninth period, and there’s no way I’m going to class. I’m still in a haze from the day’s activities. Although I never spoke to Dave, I’m determined to have him be mine. He seems perfect--smart, funny, involved, and my god those eyes. I can’t imagine anyone else, and I’m lost in a daydream, smiling about him happy. As I look down the walkway, I seem him walking up. I’m alone and he’s with two people I don’t know, but we make eye contact again. He smiles at me, winks and says, “Happy birthday, birthday girl.”

Rewritten:

I’ll never forget when I first met you. We all walked over to the church, a group of twenty of us. You were in the back, talking to the other execs, and I was in the middle of the pack, awkwardly trying to make friends. Once we went inside the strange circular church, I took my seat in the second row. You went up to the altar and sat down on the steps with the other board execs. You hadn’t seemed particularly interesting, until you looked up and I caught your attention. As I looked into your eyes, I had a split second moment of realization that I had never seen any eyes that incredibly breathtaking before. And right then, before you had even learned who I was, I knew I wanted you to be mine. After all, it was my birthday right? What a birthday surprise that was, to find someone as wonderful as you.

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As I walked alone on the maze of pathways in our school, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I’m in a haze from the days activities, and although we barely spoke, I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be alone with you. I can’t imagine anyone else, and I’m lost in a daydream, smiling to myself. Then, I remember looking up, and seeing you coming up the pathway. You were with two other execs, but I was only looking at you. Once you looked up, you smiled and winked at me, and said, “Happy birthday, birthday girl.” Four simple words, but you’d caught me in your trap.