It can slip away like air
as you find yourself alone
once a part of an inseparable pair
you’re abandoned, cold as stone
As you find yourself alone
Wonder where you’ll go to next
you’re abandoned, cold as stone
how you got here, too perplexed
Wonder where you’ll go next
the heartbreak is so unbearable
how you got here, too perplexed
after this pain will I be repairable
The heartbreak is so unbearable
It was there, you gave yourself away
After this pain will I be repairable
trusting anyone won’t return another day
It was there, you gave yourself away
So different, it seemed, the love we had
Trusting anyone won’t return another day
reminiscing on the love that went bad
So different it seemed, the love that we had
It simply slipped in and wrapped around me
Reminiscing on the love that went bad
here alone, an inadvertent escapee
It simply slipped in and wrapped around me
Now it’s gone and I’m left behind to rot
Here alone, an inadvertent escapee
Slipping into the world’s blind spot.
I chose to write my poem in the pantoum form, mainly because this form caught my attention the most. Usually, I feel like repetition and rhyme make my poems take on a childish feel, but I think that in the specific form it actually helped. I think the repetition enforced a lot of the points that I wanted to make, and I like the way it slips into a rhythm due to this repetition. I thought the rhyme scheme of ABAB for every line was at times difficult, because the meaning of the line didn't always end up matching what I originally meant in my head. However, after working with the rhyme sceme a little bit (and, admittedly, the use of a rhyming dictionary) I managed to make most of the lines have a similar meaning to what I originally meant. I think the pantoum form complements the dark feeling of the poem, since the point of the poem was to talk about how easy it is to lose someone's trust. The repetition helps to reiterate lines with specific meanings, and the rhyming actually helps it to flow. I think the Pantoum style is definitely good for serious poems.
Jenna:
ReplyDeleteI think the pantoum form suits your topic well and the repetition of specific lines is effective for reiterating the ways in which we can get stuck on specific feelings or thoughts as we suffer loss. I particularly liked the repetition of the cold stone image.
Generally, I'd recommend looking for more specific and precise language to build concrete images that are less vague and generic. Try to avoid using "it" and give us a more visceral object in its place. Don't tell us that the heart hurts (generic and trite), but try and put the feeling of that ache into words full of sensory description and detail.